Scattered Thoughts,

 

It has been long time since I wrote something in here, people now are more into Instagram, snapchat, tictoc and so on! .. rather .. I still miss this blog as it is my own escape, and every time try to write something, I just write it in my head! and forget to blog it back in here :) .. so today I will talk a bit on what's going on in my mind. 

👪Maternity Leave,

I have been blessed with my third child! ... I was tariffed about this change in my life, however I can say that I was totally mistaken, nothing like having a new small family member that can light up your life! .. I was totally drown in my work,  spending a lot of time focusing on work! .. and the big mistake that I did that during the whole day not only the working hours!.

During my Maternity leave, I decide to stop this insane act of being workaholic, and I did.

😎Traveling,

I just want to say that I miss traveling so much! I miss exploring new places, adventures and even food! I miss photography! .. I just miss those nice memories. I can't deny that I did little of those things domestically but I still miss the airplane! .. 

💀Cultures,

I have been reading a lot about different cultures in different histories. I visited also the Abu Dhai louvre lately with my colleagues in ADSG (Abudhabi School of Governess), I really like to learn about art, cultures and history! .. it makes my soul happy and curious .. I think deeply about those details! how much time they spent on it? how did they thought about it? what did it really mean at that time? who used it? where was it? why did they create it! .. etc ... 

if you know me! you would know that  I really have a great imagination! ... 

the photo attached to this post was taken in Abu Dhabi Louvre ... Amazing art work! ... I can't get enough of it! ... 

📎work,

I will be back to work soon inshallah, Most likely I will be still working on distance! .. kids will be almost off-School. am I ready? I really don't know .. I still feel so exhausted from the load of work that I carried before I gave birth of my little angle! .. That's really a huge drawback of being workaholic! .. I also think about my evaluation in 2021, how would it be? would the maternity leave lower my evaluation or they will evaluate my performance based on the tasks and ORG Goals? .. *Sigh* .. I don't have clear guidance until now about my goals .. ! ... anyway I hope the work will go smooth, and I wish that working from home will still be an option for us! .. 

............. May - 23 - 2021 .............. Night Thoughts .............

Welcome to my thoughts~*

It is amazing how some people can affect your life, either if they affect it positively or negatively. I fall in love with smart people whom I can get a long talk with! .. people whom can understand me well, and never judge me for my thoughts! well, let me share with you some of my thoughts, 

Going to Oregon, this was never in my calendar! but the thought of sharing a good moments with people you love in a stunning nature is amazing! ... to see all those cute animals (specially the racoons) and whiled ones! to go on trips and to see the redwoods! .. such place is now no more in my wish-list as it is very far away and no one else is interested to take me there! 

Being who am I! I've grown up being so shy and don't have the confidence to meet new people, mainly because I used to have excess weight! I thought even that I don't have the right to love or to be loved until I lose the weight am carrying with me *__*, that was the main mistake I've ever made in my life! and thanks to people who really love me, my friends, my family, who makes me so confident and so social and make my laugher so pure and from my heart, I'm blessed with people who believed in me! .. who pushed me to continue my study, and keep telling me (You are Different, You can Do it)! .. 

Northern Lights, as much as I hear a lot of people laughing at me when I say I will go to north-pole or iceland or Alaska or siberia to watch the Northern Lights! I had even more people who shared me the same dream! .. to rise our eyes to the sky and see How beautifully Allah Created those colours! 

Lavender Field, when every one said you can't do it! only one person told that I can! .. I got the seeds! but I need little motivation to start, one day! I will have my own lavenders, inshalla.

Secret Garden, not a real garden, it is a garden in my thoughts that I have all my secret shared with only one person! .. to smile and giggles on some evil plans! .. in this secret garden I allow myself to laugh as I never do around people! and to act as I want, and to say whatever in my mind, and also just be Me!.

Pull me up, when I'm down!.. those! .. who pulled me up when I'm down! when I faced bad time, stood beside me! .. they told me you are way better than what you think, and whatever happen to you is for a reason, and now live your life and be happy! ... Those people make me imagine everything bad could be happened to me! and be grateful for how well I'm! ... 

When I close my eyes, my soul never rests! .. however I'm really grateful for whoever make me smile, laugh, and happy! ... for whoever listened to me when I cried to whined ... for whoever believed in me! ... for whoever saw that I'm different and they like it. I hate to feel down! to cry or to be sad! .. sometimes thinking of people around me makes me happy! .. I even sometimes wear some jewellery which I got from my close friends to feel them around me and smile! .. well ... I hope that I can affect peoples lives in a positive way! as much they are doing to me~* Luvkum Akthar Shy

Memories~*

As humans, we keep thousands of memories in our brain, maybe millions! But only the memories that affect us someway goes and comes back. I've been fighting to lose a lot of memories, bad ones and good ones, some good memories that I wish I can go back to live again, and bad ones that I wish I've never get to cross them.

Today I was thinking about some memories that goes back to 2009! hits me couple of days ago with the same feelings, something happened again, and I can't help not to remember how much I used to cry, I used to whine about! I did everything to cut off the (reason) why I'm crying, why I'm sad! .. but deep down inside me I wish those memories never die! ...

In a touch of magic, I went through everything again! .. having a good memories again, even better than before, those memories made me laugh as I never did, feel beautiful and cheerful as I never did before, but as usual! there is always an END. 

There is always an END for everything, but this time rather than crying for months or years, I decide to smile on what Allah gave me! ... To smile on nice memories I had, touchy feelings I felt, and to smile on the END itself.

Sometimes we can't just say Good Bye, I fear planned goodbyes, my body shacks in pain among goodbyes, my eyes force me to cry and my lips zips the screams inside me. When Ends happens, I believe we only have two choices, either to cry and hate everything (and I tried that), or to smile and wish for a happy start (and that's what I'm planning to do).

I just feel, my pain is build up on something inside me, which never lets go of anything I believe it is mine *Smiles*. 

And btw! I can't recall when did I used photoshop before! a very bad design, just to hold on a memory :).

How hard it is to keep your mind free for me?

How awkward it is, when you think someone came all the way just to talk to you, then you notice that this is not right, and it is only your thoughts!, I just felt like this when I was talking to a friend whom I thought is here for me, Yes we were talking but with (half brain)! I can't deny that having a person you like around you feels good, but it does not feel good when you know that they are not actually with you! 

I admit that lately I got distracted with blackberry, usually all my attention is to my friends when they talk, but lately they are trying to take it off my hands because I'm half brained with them! .. Do I Blame Them? I just knew how it feels.

I was almost sleeping when this thought came to me, I thought that writing will make me feel better as usual, a lot of thoughts in my mind regarding this issue! .. I'm just thinking, that when I'm with my friends, I just can't stop talking, giggling, teasing them and also fighting with them! I know I make a big miss around, I like to shock them with some comments intentionally, because I love with I see them laughing or smiling or embarrassed. My friends knows me well, they know that my silence isn't something good! They know that my silence isn't just for the sake of being silent! ... But with some people I do really feel that I have no other option! ..

For example:

No matter what I say to my friends, they would still hear my nonsense, they will even continue with what I'm saying! 

My friends knows when I tease them about something I don't keep any bad feeling inside my heart! ... 

My friends knows I'm Super Imaginary person, they always tease me about that, and they don't mind to hear about my dreams and my imaginations, rather, they will dream with me and imagine with me! ...

My friends laugh hard with me when I do! because they can feel the laughers with me ...

With my friends I don't even care what will they think about me because I know they will never get me wrong and if they did they will ask me! ...!  Any how eventually I would how do they think about me either by their actions or their words ...

The thing is, that with some people it is really hard! .. because you can't be sure of what they think about you, or would they accept your nonsense, or dream with you or even accept your imaginations about things that might not happen! ... Being silent is all what you have in your hand, maybe it is not your choice, it is your brain which decide to be locked! ..

Another thing is, that it does not feels good when you are into someone, and they just give you half of their brains or even less! You become under two choices, accepting the fact that they are with you with half brains, because you really miss them and love spending time with them, or you just leave them alone until they are 100% with you! ... two choices hard to choose from~

At the end, I really don't like when I have an idea about someone, I mean a good thought! (he/she did this for me .. they meant good .. they came for me ..... etc) and then I know that this is only in my could 9 thoughts, while the truth is, they are not. I just hate to feel naive or stupid. 

Note: The photo is taken by me in Lucern / Switzerland , those couples where chatting for a long time over the bridge which connect the old town to the other side! ... Although I hate to take pictures of other people, yet I just wanted to have such moments like them! ...~ a Fact! 

AppleBees With my friends

I went out with my friends~ ... we decided to have lunch together and that's in AppleBees - Al Ain Mall ...

We didn't meet in a long time ! ... but well? we did :)

We gathered and we had a very nice time! .. and we had almost

30 minutes to think about what we will order!

 and the staff were waiting ! lol 

 

The starter, That spinach dish in the middle!

IS SUPER YUMMY! 

 I didn't try this, but I believe it is good?

m a y b e 

 I didn't try this but I know the chicken is good :D

cuz it is the same on the salad,

 This is my dish o my friend @inourasha Dish!

The burger is supper yummy! ... but the SALAD! 

Is THE BEST EVER! .. 

I will sure go soon to eat only the salad inshallah! 

I had one is almost the same in Singapore like 6 yrs before

and when I ate it! I felt love!

I don't have travel to Singapore for the salad :P

I will go to Al Ain Mall!

 I tried the colored tortilla in the middle!

so yummy!

OK! Thanks for my friends! ... 

They all sudden decided to do a FAKE PARTY for me

the staff came and sang for me! I Was laughing hard

all the gurls kept laughing until our faces turned to red!

my bday on 4th of june! .. but well! thanks for my friends

I'm 25 years old lol with new birthday :D ...

the staff were so friendly and nice! 

I enjoyed it to the maximum, as much as I felt embarrassed!  

At the end the staff wrote a very nice note on the bill! 

Thanks to them :) ... 

Maybe it was not my birthday! .. but 

I had another thing to celebrate and thanks for my friends! 

They celebrate with me my good news :D 

love u all !

Follow my friends in here: 

@elsmenni. 

@inourasha

and I hope AA will change her mind and have her twitter back! 

Have Great Day ppl!

I don't feel well~

I don't feel well, the world is so strange

and full of surprises~

....

Healthy Food: Steamed Vegetables ~

I try my best to keep my skin and hair looks good .. by going to doctors and take vitamins or creams!, But I've never try to change my food, like eating vegetables! ... When I was on a diet (by my own), I didn't eat enough vegetables or fruits, so my blood was really going down! .. I had a lot of other problems beside hair fall and pale skin! .. Now I'm changing my food style, to eat vegetables every day! ... I tried steamed vegetables with some seasoning, It was yummy! .. 

* The Machine I used is from philips: Philips Steam Cooker * 

It is multi layers, where you can use them all or only one!

I like to cook my food on steam :) it tastes yummy! 

*only if you put the right seasoning and herbs*

I hope you like it! 

Be~ Healthy ♥

Coffee ... Just flows in my veins

I just love going out to drink coffee .. and eat cake

Doing that .. reset my mind 

and makes me

Happy

♥

واحد من الناس ...

It is strange, how can you not forget what you wanna forget

and it is hard to remember what you want to remember ........

But it is all for our own {good} that we don't know about!!!!

We should just wait and see! 

:-)

Good Morning/Evening Sweet Lovely People!

I hope you have a pleasant day

Cheers!

How Sad ... Scrabbled Thoughts

How Sad,

When you wait for a long period of time, and then you acknowledge that it was only a dream that will never come true

How Sad,

When you think that they will always be there for you, and then you learn from this mistake that they were only talking to you

How Sad,

When you put your dreams a brick over another to build a dream house, and then you know that your effort and time went for good

How Sad, 

When you lay down holding colors and papers, drawing paths to the future that they promised to take you to, but the thoughts only remains on papers!

How Sad, 

When you're surrounded with a wonderful people, but when you need to talk you find no one but yourself to listen and understand you! 

How Sad,

That you close your eyes with faith that they are perfect, and when you open them slowly waiting for a good feeling to tickle your heart, you find them different

How Sad, 

That you know that you don't remember your birthday, and you know that they don't know about your graduation, and Yet you are waiting them to greet you

How Sad,

That you look at people as pure souls, and when you turn your back to them, their friendly smiles turned into evil ones and they stab you to your heart

How Sad,

That you trusted them .. as friends .. as a sisters .. as a family, but you notice that It was only one way feeling! .. They don't deserve how You treat them

How Sad,

When you always points to things you like, but no one noticed that

How Sad,

When you promise someone to do something, and they are waiting for you to fulfill your promise because you said so, however they didn't notice it wasn't real

How Sad,

That you want to give back a lot of things to them .. But you keep them because you don't want them to know how do you really Feel now toward them

How Sad,

When you can find a faithful person who will love you for nothing, care about you for nothing, and will always remember you for nothing ... yet you decided to betray them!

How Sad,

That I'm always there for the whole people who brought me down as I mentioned above, and I can't be strong and evil to them 

Invitation to attend a Seminar ..

We were invited by Dr.Binta Abubaker to attend a seminar who is given by Professor Fleix Mavondo. Basically it was about ( Research Methodology and New Challenges). The seminar had a lot of Professors, Doctors,  PH.D Students and others! ... It was somehow higher level thing! .. they talked about research methodology and how can you verify your research and get it publish using different methods, It was so useful however I felt like I live in another planet! ... Now I decided not to go for PHD because doing research needs a lot of hard work!  and I don't want to do that lol

My friend Sara attend with me, this is her pencil, as she decided to remember this day! (Thanks Sara it was a very nice time that I won't forget *Giggles*) ! 

I wrote on her pencil! lol

Part of the attendees 

It is a day I would love to remember~

and that's why am blogging it :D

I feel sad ... and I hate goodbyes ...

I really don't like when my parents or one of them travel

I feel internally sad ,, and lonely ..

Inshallah they come back safe ...

and God helps me to be patient ... ! 

~Singing:

To ten million fireflies,,,,

I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes,,,,

I got misty eyes as they said farewell,,,,

Help me, I hate my job!

Currently this is how I feel toward my job! .......

Although I have a very good manager that I'm lucky to have

but the over-trust in me make me feel upset! ......

I hate when my manager take decision on my behalf! 

Thinking that I never say NO! .. Why would I! 

If I'm okay with what he says, it does not mean I will in future! 

My manager decided to do something ... and the result?

I don't want to go to work, I feel sad, upset, and shy!

people are making some jokes at me! .. because he didn't ask!

Once upon a time, lil.D was happy in her work! 

But really not anymore! .. Should I look for a new job?

Should I talk to my manager? what if he insist on what he wants?

Truly, I know not everybody do what they like! 

But I refuse to do new tasks that I hate, 

because another employee don't want to do his job!

I refuse to do new tasks and feel sad,

because the other guy is not happy with his possition! 

Why Me! .. Manager .. Why Me?

I wish I can tell you on the face,

That you make me so Disappointed, 

You are not whom I think you are ..

One day I thought I'm lucky for a nice department

Now I want to run away! ...

A Cup of Coffee at work ,,

(1) Weight Vs Coffee
I hate when my weight just goes up! and I wonder is it because I eat chocolate a lot or because since one week I'm drinking the Coffee that the office boy prepare? it has a lot of (RainBow), which I already know that it is full of fat! .. I should cut both of those things!

(2) Nice person
I really like *K*, she work with us and when you first see her you will not get the right first impression! but this girl prove in the second, third, and forth impression that she is so unique and different. I thought she follow the *Free Life* path! but she always read Athkar, pray, read islamic things, and Well! I notice she is so skillful in a lot of things! I just love to talk to her :)

(3) Smile to mean people
I hate when I get I know there are people who smile to my face, and talk about me on my back, I tried to be mean to them and I tried to think how should I treat them, but the thing that happen at the end, that I seriously smile to them and treat them well! .. and I just hate that!

(4) Face Cover 
A Daily question I have, WHAT WILL YOU DO IF VIEL *NE8AB* IS NO LONGER ACCEPTED AT THE WORK PLACE? I don't know why people freaks me out with those questions! I really don't know if I will be able to work like that! It is funny that one day my face is covered and the other it is not! .. PPL Get a life and stay away from my face cover!

(5) Gossips 
I hate when one employee try to be funny or fool around, they know I don't like to communicate with any one more than the range of work, why do some people can't understand that! I know I might be stone head, but this is who am I! I work in a place where if the girl smile they think that this smile hide other intentions! .. Do they expect that It doesn't matter for me? I hate Gossips and I'm not ready to get some!

(6) Promotion
I badly want to have promotion, not because I want increase in my salary (where I don't mind if it happen) but I feel it as a reward to my achievements and my hard work (YES I'M HARD WORKING) however, in my work place, personal relationships Wins! ..

(7) YES SIR YES
My manager is so moody, one day he is smiling and cheer me up, and the other he is so mad and angry only God knows why! .. I didn't know what to do with him but saying YES SIR YES whenever he ask for something! I would say YES SIR YES if he ask me to go to the moon! Do I even have a choice?

(8) My Own Office
Before I hated the idea of having my own office, but now I really want that, because I can kick people who I don't want to see, or control the place more than now! .. Sometimes I just can't say anything when I see "unwelcome" people in my office! They finish their work with my colleague.

(9) Being silent Vs Big Bang! 
I wonder why people think if you keep silent then you don't have work! I hate when one of the guys talk every day all the time how busy he is! while as a group we know he has low pressure in work, however his method of Big Bang thing make every one thinks he is the best! .. I tried it for period of time and it works! .. PPL! See the outcomes not the blablabla !!

(10) I wish I can shut up
I really wish that I could well choose my words, I used to be direct person, but not any more! .. and I'm trying to change more to shut up! .. when I get angry I should get lost! far away from work! .. better than what could happen if I stay :D

Officialy 26 Years Old! .. And it was so Different

Usually I don't celebrate birthdays, I even don't tell any one that my birthday is coming and I refuse to disclose this information! I don't think I should celebrate the day that I was born on! I thought if I was SO GREAT my mother should celebrate having me lol. Any how this year it was so different! .. I couldn't imagine my birthday would make me laugh, feeling shy, shame, o rude o all those feelings and more together!  why rude and shame? I WILL TELL YOU! .. but let me tell you why this birthday was different!
1- It is the first time I get surprise party from my friends ( At Work! )
2- I got 2 cakes! 
3- Every one decided to celebrate my birthday and surprise me one day before (3rd of june!)
4- I got greetings from a lot of people! really =/ it was awkward.
5- I got more gifts than every other year lol which was awkward too.
6- At work, the party was for me and for Latifa Al Haj! (she is 3rd June and I'm the 4th).
7- I was rude to every one! I didn't know people arranging something! And I was so rude those past days and I don't know why! ... For example:
- My mother bought me a gift and gave it to me 2 days before and I was saying NO I DON'T LIKE THE COLOR, IT IS NOT MATCHING ... etc.
- My sister in low sent me a gift also 2 days before with her daughter, and I was asking: Sho El salfah! why every one is giving me gifts?
- My colleagues at work was trying to prepare for the party and I was so hungry and eating my pizza, they ask me to go out to call some one and I was so rude to say that I want to eat and I will call no one lol and I ruined the party!
- My friends where questioning me days before and I was replying them so stupidly! at the end I notice they were questioning me about my birthday gifts!
8- I swear all of those stupid acts were from no where! I didn't know people were arranging something lol and I didn't know, so I went to mother to apologies for my rudeness lol.
9- I had a lot of fun.
10- I expected some people to greet me but it didn't happen :-).
11- I love when I was 16 and I love it more wen I'm 26!! 
12- I learned that sharing some moments is way better than keeping them Big Secret! .. 

any how I really want to say thanks for all my family and friends! ...

When you have the Choice!

One day I was between a very hard choice, between Me and Myself!! .. I guess that every one would reach some points where you have to make decision, which will not matter maybe for any one but yourself!! ... and maybe some other people.
The thing is, is doing THE RIGHT THING is always right? this is what was going on in my mind since days now! .. I know that I choose the right thing, but is it really right? because even if it is right, I don't really feel I want to do that! ... 
For example, if you are on a diet, and you really feel you want to sneak out with a chocolate bar, it will really feels good and this is what you want! ... but it is not the right thing! ... (this is a good example because every day I face it lol) ..
A lot of things are right but I'm not happy doing them, I don't know how should I force myself to accept what I choose alone! I can't blame any one on my choices! .. Did I say MY Choices? ... this is another thing, when I make decisions on my own! are they always right! ... I don't know? maybe not! .. and I'm suffering from my own thoughts *Smiles* ..
Seriously, should I skip the Gym? this is one of the things which are running back and forth in my mind, I'm too lazy! ... I'd rather to sleep and play Wii!!

Life isn't easy,,,,

Life isn't easy, I used to tell my friends that with a big grin and smile on silly things, just to let them stop over thinking about several issues. It happens that you reach a time that you feel so scared, you need someone to hold your hand, not in a romantic way, not in a friendly way, but in away to make you feel strong and that no matter what's happen you are not alone, but as I said!! .. Life isn't easy, you can barely hold on yourself to ask someone to do that for you! No one is empty, every one needs a hand to keep him/her stronger, but not every one can be brave to ask for that, and not every one is so kind to provide such support. It feels like you are locked in a dark dim room, when there is no one to hold your hand when you needed that badly, that feeling proceed with a slow strong heartbeats, that's not feeling good -__- at all!

Those thoughts, aren't helping me!! .. So I'd rather wish you all good night :)

The Power of Hair Dryer! السشوااااار

Today is really very very cold!!

Here is a live update about the weather forcast in Al Ain City NOW!

Alright!! what I want to say in this post

that there are a lot of ways to feel warmer :D

one way every one laugh at me when I use it!!

 which is !!! My hair dryer!!

Aw yes!!!

it is the best way to fight the Cold!!!

I just use it to warm my hands when they become freezed!

-___- and don't laugh! cuz my family were laughing

but when they tried it they really saw how effective it is loool

I'm using this method of having the hair drier as heater

since the early mornings in high school! IT IS WORKING!

I'm telling you!! if you don't use the hair dryer!!

you will be missing a lot of fun :D and warmth

Enjoy

Good Morning ~ Suwalif

~1~

I wake up to find my mom preparing some cupcakes,

They taste so yummy!

and looks so colorful and nice,

feel free to try them :D

~2~

Yesterday I went to the hospital,

I had problem in breathing, I couldn't breath well!

and I went to the hospital feeling so bad!

they make me wait 1 hour tell the Doctor see me!

I don't know? should the person go to the hospital

Covered with blood so they see it as emergency?

I was really so upset, and so tired to go to another place,

BUT the doctor was so nice

she helped me to feel better el7mduliah

~3~

In the hospital there was an old man, *Shaiba* in other words,

When I was walking in the corridor,

he stopped in the entrance, tell I passed then he walk in!

I was thinking! where are the young guys from those ethics?

~4~

Please I mean no offense when I say this: Some Guys are Losers!

and I mean here guys at work who know nothing but talking like girls!

What I know that girls are talkatives!

But at work I discover that guys are SUPER TALKATIVES!

and they make problems to others and pretend they do nothing!

Will they ever grow up?

~5~

I'm struggling to finish the book I'm reading! some times I enjoy reading that I can't take my eyes off the book! but some times I just can't read a line! do you think when your mind is distracted that affect your reading mood? ... I'm really upset because of my work! reading does not make me feel better :( !!!

I will write inshallah in my next post about my switching to mac experience!

Good Night,,,,,,

I thought this photo is quiet interesting .. he is setting with his cat on a tree to watch the city from a far  distance~ .. very high, above the tree ... I wish If I can find such place to set !! for a long long night, I don't think I will feel bored!!! ....  Good Night Everyone